In an era in which smartphones and tablets have made the world wide web accessible from the palm of a student’s hand, how exactly are kids getting their information about sex? The answer, according to author, public speaker and sexual education expert Amy Lang, is very easily.
Helping parents to break through the barriers and teach their kids about sex — before the internet does it for them — was the topic of Lang’s talk, “Birds and Bees Talks for the 21st Century — Raising Kids in the Age of Technology,” given Jan. 12 at Cascade Ridge Elementary School in Sammamish and put on by local nonprofit ParentWiser.
Around 130 Issaquah School District parents turned out to hear Lang, who is the author of “Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids — A guide to sharing your beliefs about sexuality, love and relationships” and “Dating Smarts: What EVERY teen needs to know to date, relate or wait!”
“It went really, really well. They were really engaged, asking questions,” said Lang, whose advice on sex ed has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, Huffington Post Live and CNN Health. She was especially happy that dads in the audience — who she said are usually in the minority — came up to her after the presentation and vowed to start talking to their kids about sexuality.
“One [dad] said, ‘This is not so hard to do.’ Another dad said, ‘I’ve been avoiding this and putting this off; I need to do this,’” Lang recalled. “I feel like I connected with a lot of people.”
Lang said that the technology boom of recent years has completely changed the sex ed scene.
“10 years ago, you had [only] a desktop computer [in the house],” Lang said. Now, she said, when she had the Issaquah parents make a list of all of the devices on which their children can access the internet, they came up with about 10 different devices.
“Our kids are going to be exposed to yucky stuff online — primarily pornography,” Lang said, explaining that parents “are feeling out of control.”
One way to mitigate this, she said, is to keep smartphones out of the hands of elementary and middle school-aged children.
“Does a fourth grader need a smartphone? Does a sixth grader need a smartphone?” Lang said. “What we’re doing as parents is giving our kids access to the internet without thinking of the consequences.” She explained that moms and dads often feel pressured to supply their children with the latest technology because they don’t want their kids to feel like they are behind their peers.
Lang ran into this problem in her own home. She and her husband did not allow their son to have a smartphone until he started high school, a decision about which the young student was not happy, but which Lang called “right for [her] family.” She also finds limiting a child’s internet access to two devices and screen time per day to two hours to be effective.
Still, sooner or later kids are going to be curious about sex, and Lang believes that the sooner they learn the facts, the better — provided they are getting their information from a parent in a casual, comfortable setting.
“[Parents] are their children’s best sex educators,” she said. “They have this opportunity to give their kids this big gift.”
There are two major myths about sex ed, according to Lang. The first, she said, is that the sex talk should wait until kids are 10; in reality, she said, this should begin around kindergarten age. The second myth is that kids are going to ask parents any questions they have.
“This is the parents’ responsibility,” Lang stressed. “If they’re willing to be uncomfortable, there’s a huge payoff.”
Lang recommends that parents not make a big production of the topic, and advises against having “the big sex talk.” Instead, she said, this information should be given out over years in many normal, short and casual conversations. She likened it to teaching kids about good manners or nutrition habits, noting that parents usually don’t teach kids these life lessons in one big, sit-down discussion.
And the conversations need to include pornography, Lang said, because “it has infiltrated the internet” and teens are going to run into it, whether they mean to or not. However, she said, this does not have to be dangerous if they have “a foundation of healthy sexuality and of their parents’ values” — which can be conveyed during healthy discussions about sex.
She said that when it comes to porn, it is important to teach adolescents that “women don’t really look like that, men don’t really look like that …the industry is terrible, it’s not a healthy sexual outlet … it’s perpetuating violence against women.” Lang suggests giving teenage boys alternatives, such as “Playboy” (which no longer features nude models), novels with erotic scenes or feminist porn.
It’s important for parents to address the issue with their kids rather than assuming that it is not going to happen in their household, Lang said.
“Parents like to think, ‘It’s not my kid [watching porn],’” Lang said. But in reality, she said, “it’s nature.”
“Like with most things in life, education is key,” Lang said.
Lang has in the past given talks in Issaquah and hopes to do so again in the future. Anyone interested in hearing Lang’s seminars or looking into her web classes should visit her website at www.birdsandbeesandkids.com or her Facebook page, Birds+Bees+Kids.
